How To Get a Toddler to Cooperate

How To Get a Toddler to Cooperate

How To Get A Toddler To Cooperate

Tips to get your toddler to cooperate more provided by a certified parent coach

The toddler years can be filled with a whole lot of parental frustration, but it doesn’t have to. Check out these tips to get your toddler to cooperate and listen more.

Start small, with clear simple instructions

It is important to only give one instruction at a time and to stay close to your toddler to ensure compliance in the beginning.

When your toddler is beginning to learn compliance, avoid giving directions when you are on the move, distracted or in a hurry. Instead, make sure you are giving instructions when your child is an arm’s length away or less. Once your toddler grows and learns, you can work your way up to 3 instructions at once, but remember, they must remain simple.

If you toddler struggles with more instructions, do not be afraid to drop back to only one instruction at a time and work up their stamina over time. You can also increase your distance from them, but if they regress to not doing a requested behavior then you need to go back to being close.

Limit distractions

Toddlers are not made for multitasking so make sure distractions are limited when you are giving your instructions. This means your child’s head is not buried in a screen or they are not immersed in their play when you are talking.

A toddler’s play is their work and just as you need to get to a good stopping point so you can switch tasks, so does your toddler. If you need to gain your toddler’s attention, make sure to give them a warning about the need for their attention and get down on their level. Visual timers, like from Time Timer*, can be a great way to help toddlers transition to listening or to a different activity.

Make demands mean something

If you want your toddler to do something, make sure you actually want them to do it. Otherwise, if you request they do something to later back off and do it yourself, you are sending them mixed signals.

For toddlers, consistency is the key. They need to learn that every time you make a request you expect them to complete the task, not sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. So once you have made the decision that you want your toddler to do something, then insist they do what you are requesting.

This requires you to show them exactly how to do it until they have learned the expected behavior. If they refuse, make sure to break down the task into smaller tasks that are easier to complete. So instead of ‘put your toys in the box’ you might first say ‘find the box’.

Extra tips for transitions

Calmly tell your child to take their time with the task, that the next fun thing on the agenda (like reading a book with you) can wait until they are done.

If a child is playing it can be helpful to play with them for a minute or two before transitioning them to the new activity you are requiring.

Make sure to preview what the next activity and expectations will be before making the demand.

Be clear about what you want

Toddlers feel more secure when they are told exactly what to do. So instead of telling your child to get ready to go, try telling them ‘go put on your shoes, then put on your coat’.

Keep the instructions as a requirement, not a ‘would you like to…’ or ‘how about you…’ as those words make it seem like the toddler has a choice in the matter. If there is no choice to what you want your toddler to do, using choice wording will invite conflict and refusal if your toddler does not want to do it.

Offer limited choices

Sometimes offering your toddler a choice can help with non-compliance. For example, you can brush your teeth first or you can use the potty first. Make sure you are offering choices you can live with and limit the choices you offer to two.

Understand your toddler’s resistance

Sometimes we don’t like what we have to do. Toddlers are no different. If your toddler starts to have a meltdown reflect back your child’s feelings. Repeat they do not want to stop playing, wear their coat, leave, etc. Restate back to them that they are mad, sad, frustrated, disappointed, etc. Acknowledging their feelings by reflecting them back, will help your toddler transition through their meltdown faster.

Once they have calmed down offer them a hug, but remain insistent in the task being completed. That may mean you need to help them start the task or break it down into smaller tasks. It can also help to reaffirm your family’s values when enforcing the required task by stating “This is what we do in our family”.

Help your toddler learn

Toddlers learn best through mirroring and modeling so in the beginning, do the tasks along side your child so they learn how you expect the task to be done. Over time you will be able to remove yourself from participating once your toddler has learned what is expected.

*Happy Parenting & Families does not receive any compensation for recommending this product.

Why Won’t My Kid Listen to Me!?!

Why Won’t My Kid Listen to Me!?!

Why Won’t My Kid Listen To Me!?!

Wonder why your kid doesn't listen to you? 7 Tips to Get Your Child to Listen to You

My kid doesn’t listen!

I’m trying to help them!

I just told them what would happen if they did that!?!

Sound familiar? We’ve all been there.

The pure frustration a child can bring out in a parent who is trying to help and teach them can make anyone scream.

Most of the parents I talk with say ‘my kid doesn’t listen to me’. They wish their kid was a better listener because life feels harder when their kid doesn’t listen.

Because a lot of them feel like their teaching and advice are falling on deaf ears. And guess what, it is.

Because we love our children so immensely and intensely we want to spare them from mistakes we have made, or know they are going to make. So we tell them what to do, we lecture them when they have done wrong, we try to pack their little brains with the ways of the world so they can be more successful and avoid mistakes.

So why doesn’t it work? Why do kids tune parents out?

Now let’s talk about why your kid doesn’t listen to you.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THE TIMING

Wonder why your kid doesn't listen, it has to do with timing

As parents, when do we spend most of our time teaching and reinforcing ideas with our children? If you are like most parents, the answer is when they have done something wrong or are in need of correction.

And it makes sense, right? It is the perfect opportunity to open the conversation and be able to show the child, with actual real life consequences, why what you are teaching them is so important.

But what if I told you the actual answer is the exact opposite?

That teaching your child when they have not done anything wrong is actually the ideal time for them to learn. And instead of teaching them what not to do, focus on what you want them to do.

What if I went one more step further and told you that when your child makes a mistake, you completely skip the “teaching opportunity/lecture time” and just let them ride out the natural consequences, saving your teaching for a few hours down the road?

Completely counter intuitive? Absolutely! But does it work? Absolutely!

If you are like most parents, you are going to need some convincing that this approach is actually going to work. So here is where the brain science comes in.

When we do something wrong, as an adult or child, we have a physiological reaction to it. Our heart rate may go up, we may start to sweat, we may become flushed, and of course we experience a whole range of emotions on top of the physical changes. Anger, fear, shame, embarrassment are just a few of the emotions both adults and kids experience when they make mistakes.

Why does our body do these things? Because at that moment in time our stress response has been activated in our body by a tiny part of the brain called the amygdala. It is our body’s natural response and it is its way of protecting us. But while our body is trying to protect us, it is setting off a chain of reactions that directly affect our ability to communicate and interpret information.

So what exactly is happening?

When a kid doesn't listen, it is usually because physiologically they can't

When a stress response is triggered, we temporarily lose all executive functioning skills, because the amygdala says that resources are needed in other places of the brain/body.

So what does that mean? It means a lot of critical skills go offline including self-control, working memory and flexibility to name a few. In plain English, that means during a stress response we literally cannot control ourselves or remember what happens to us during that time let alone learn and retain new information.

Ever ask your child why they did what they did in a moment of intense emotion and get a ‘I don’t know’ in response? Or spend your time imparting a lot of wisdom and rationale while your child is losing it only to ask them to tell you what you said and be met with a blank stare? Yep, that’s the result of the stress response being triggered. It’s not your fault, but it’s not your kid’s fault either. It’s how all our bodies were built to react.

So now what? You now know why your kid doesn’t listen, and that they are not really doing it just to make you angry and frustrated, but you want to know what you can do about it, right?

Are you ready to try a new way?

If your kid doesn't listen, try these 7 tips for a better listener

Here are 7 tips for becoming a more effective parent so your kid actually starts to listen to you.

1. Fight the urge to lecture

When you child has messed up and you want to lecture them or say ‘I told you this would happen’, bite your tongue. It is a really hard thing to do, but after a few times it becomes easier so stick with it. If it helps, just leave the room for a little while. You can tell them you will talk about it later or you can simply remove yourself if you feel like talking might lead to words that should not be spoken.

2. Help your child navigate their emotions

If your child is having a hard time processing the mistake or calming down, make sure to help them. Remember, none of us are born with coping techniques, we all need to learn them and some kids need more help than others. Focus on reflecting back what your child is feeling, not what they did. For example, ‘you feel really bad you broke something’ or ‘you must have felt really angry to hit another person’. You are not excusing the behavior, but helping to put words to strong emotions so your child can move past them and out of their stress response.

3. Open a conversation and then just listen

When your child is calm and at least 20 minutes has passed, bring up the incident, but start with asking how they were feeling. For example, ‘You must have felt really trapped if you needed to sneak out of the house to be with your friends, will you tell me what else you were feeling?’ And then, just listen. Again, you do not need to accept their behavior, simply reflect back what you hear them saying. For example, ‘You felt I was being too strict, you don’t understand why I said no when other parents said yes’.

4. Model how to communicate

After your child has their say and you have reflected back their statements to make sure they have felt heard, it is now time for your say. Start with your feelings. It helps kids to remember you are a human being and that you are coming out of a place of love, even if they feel you are being unfair. For example, ‘I felt really scared when you did not call me to tell me where you were. I was worried about you.’ Or ‘I felt really angry when I told you not to play ball in the house and then you did it anyway.’

5. In order to be effective, keep lessons short

Allow your child to make mistakes and feel the consequences of those mistakes. The more natural the consequence, meaning it logically comes as a result of what they have done, the better. Natural consequences really helps reinforce the lesson without you having to do anything at all. If you do feel the need to reinforce the lesson or perhaps there was no natural consequence other than getting caught, remember to keep the lesson short. For example, ‘I felt really sad when I found my money missing from my wallet. In this family we do not take things from others without asking first. I expect you to return the money you owe me.’

6. Set your child up for success

Believe your child will do better the next time. It is true what they say that we live up to the expectations placed upon us, even if they are negative. If you expect your child to mess up again or treat them like they are going to, they will feel more compelled to fulfill the prophecy you have laid out for them. But if you add ‘I know you will do better next time’ or ‘tomorrow is another day to try again’ when you are talking with your child, you are showing faith in them. You are acknowledging they made a mistake and that they are not ruled by that one mistake, but that they can learn from it. You are teaching them resiliency and how to repair and recover from mistakes.

7. Love can heal all

End with an ‘I love you’, even if you are still mad. Regardless of whether the infraction was big or small, kids need to know it is okay to make mistakes and that they are still loved even if they make mistakes. It may seem obvious to you, but it is not always obvious to kids who think the world lives and dies by them. Mistakes will happen. Sometimes really big ones. But if you remind your child that you will always love them, they will always work to do better the next time, because it is the desire of every child to feel loveable.

Try the above tips for 3-4 weeks and then drop me a line to let me know how it’s going. I always love hearing about successes!

Let’s Connect

Remember to give yourself a little grace because you are trying something new and you won’t always remember to follow the tips. That’s okay, we are all human. And your children will always give you another opportunity to practice again!

NOTE: The above tips are meant to help the majority of parents. Children who struggle with certain disorders, high sensitivity or trauma may need a different approach that is individualized to their needs and how they respond best. If you would like to discuss personalized options for your child, we invite you to schedule a free 30 minute consultation with us so we can tailor tips that would work best for your family.

Schedule a Free 30 Minute Consultation