Taming Tantrums & Meltdowns: Parenting Tips for a Calmer Household

Taming Tantrums & Meltdowns: Parenting Tips for a Calmer Household

Taming Tantrums & Meltdowns: Parenting Tips for a Calmer Household

Minneapolis Parent Coach Jen Kiss gives 3 tips to decrease meltdowns and tantrums

 

As a parent, you know meltdowns and tantrums have a way of ruling the roost when they are in full swing. Whether your goal is to stop tantrums and meltdowns before they occur or have a quicker resolution, here are 3 parenting tips to help you minimize tantrums and meltdowns.

 

Why does your child throw a tantrum or meltdown?

 

The key to minimizing tantrums and meltdowns is finding the source. To do this, you have to do some investigating about why your child’s behavior is occurring.

At first glance, you may think the answer is obvious. For instance you may think it was because they didn’t get their way. Or you may have no idea because it feels like it came out of nowhere. But the key to solving tantrums and meltdowns is to look a little deeper into your child’s reactions.

Because all behavior is communication. When your child has a meltdown or tantrum they are trying to communicate with you that they are struggling.

 

What Causes Tantrums & Meltdowns

Fear or Anxiety

 

A lot of tantrums are the result of fear or anxiety. From refusing to go to bed or school, to opposing everything you say, fear is often at the core of these very frustrating child behaviors.

Usually fear causes children to try to control their environment as a way to cope. This can show up as being rigid about what they will or won’t do, being clingy, avoiding certain places or people or becoming bossy and demanding. It can also show up as aggressive behavior because the child’s brain is trying to fight against the fear they are feeling.

 

Sensory Sensitivities

 

For a child who has Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), autism or sensory sensitivities, the world can feel like a minefield. Children can become easily overwhelmed when tasked with something their bodies find uncomfortable.

As a result, many kids with sensory sensitivities use avoidance to manage their sensitivities. And when they can’t avoid, or they become overwhelmed by their senses, it results in a big meltdown.

 

Stress and Overwhelm

 

Kids are not immune to stress. In fact, stress often affects kids more because their ability to regulate their emotions, self-soothe, cope and have perspective are still developing.

When a child’s stress tolerance is reached the limited skills they do have go right out the window. This can result in tantrums with aggressive behavior or tantrums that involve running away or refusals.

 

Trauma

 

Big and scary events are not the only thing that creates trauma in a child. Trauma can be a lot of little events that add up over time or a single event. The nature of the event, whether it was overwhelming to your child and whether there was a caring adult to help relieve stress during or after the event, will determine whether a child experiences trauma.

If your child has a history of trauma, they are more likely to have tantrums and meltdowns. This is because their brain tends to be in a state of hypervigilence and stress because they are trying to avoid further trauma.

Like stress, trauma limits a child’s ability to control their actions when triggered. Trauma can be activated from everyday events or sensory stimulus, like smells. Trauma behaviors are usually much more extreme in their aggression or shut down. In addition, tantrums that stem from trauma can last for a very long time.

 

Neurodiversity Struggles

 

Children with learning disabilities and neurodiversity may struggle more with tantrums and meltdowns because their brain can’t do what is being asked of them. And while it may appear as your child being lazy or defiant, your child is actually neither of these things.

Executive functioning abilities, which includes focus and attention, impulse control, emotional regulation and predicting consequences, can be delayed or harder to master in children that have learning disabilities and neurodiversity. Research also indicates these children tend to experience anxiety and depression at a higher rate. And all of these factors can make tantrums and meltdowns occur more frequently.

 

Family  & Friend Friction

 

We are social creatures by nature. When a child is not connecting to the important people in their lives, it can set off behavior challenges and tantrums. This can appear as provoking and aggressive behavior to demand others pay attention to them.

If your child is struggling with tantrums, start by looking at your relationship. How much undivided connection time you are spending with your child? If your child is low on one-on-one time with you, make this a priority. Spending time with your child would be a good first step to reducing tantrums.

For tweens and teens, their main source for connection are their friends. Rejection by peers can lead to depression or significant behavior issues. If things seem fine in your relationship, check in to see how their friend relationships are going. Don’t push too hard, but let them know you are willing to talk any time.

 

Parenting Tips to Minimize Tantrums and Meltdowns

 

Now that you know the why, here are 3 parenting tips to help with tantrums and meltdowns.

 

1. Spend 5 minutes a day connecting with your child

 

This time should be planned into your day the same way an important meeting would be. This time is spent doing whatever your child would like to do or talk about. Make sure to keep the time uninterrupted. If you need to interrupt your time to deal with something urgent, let your child know and make sure to circle back later.

 

2. Reflect back to your child so they know you understand their struggles

 

Whether your child is struggling with fear, stress, neurodiversity or sensory sensitivities, acknowledging what they are feeling or why something is hard can be a game changer.

Calmly, reflect your child’s feelings back to them when they are escalated. Use short words like ‘mad, you are mad, you are so mad’. After reflecting back, offer to do a coping technique with them. Coping techniques such as a firm, long hug or having them engage in some movement are good options.

 

3. Provide “just right” accommodations to decrease meltdowns and tantrums

 

While you do not want to accommodate too much, you do want to make sure you are supportive to your child’s needs. This means you provide just enough support to stretch your child into building their coping and self-regulation skills. For example, you may begin a hard task together and slowly remove yourself over time.

For anxiety and fear, while you do not want to create too much stress, the ultimate goal will be to show your child that they can be uncomfortable and still be okay. This is how you build up their confidence and resilience and reduce tantrums.

Always start with little steps towards your goal since going too fast can make your child resist and throw tantrums. If you want to learn more about how to do this with your child, check out my 3 Ways to Help Your Child with Anxiety.

For sensory sensitivities, accommodations are usually necessary. Like anxiety, the goal is to help them learn to build up tolerance so they can function better in their lives. Because sensory sensitivities can be complex and span all 8 senses, it can be very helpful to figure out what specific things your child is sensitive to and if necessary work with an occupational therapist to make progress.

 

Final Thoughts

 

All behavior is communication. If you listen to what your child’s behavior is trying to communicate you can get to the root cause. Once you know their motive, you can parent from a better, more effective place. It also allows you to view your child in a different light and meet them with compassion and patience. And when you do that, challenging behaviors lessen dramatically.

If you need help implementing these tips or customizing solutions for your child, reach out to me. I offer free 30 minute consultations where we will dive right into solutions for you and your family.

 

Supporting School Success: Parenting Tips for Anxious Learners

Supporting School Success: Parenting Tips for Anxious Learners

Supporting School Success:

Parenting Tips for Anxious Learners

Parent Coach Jen Kiss shares 5 parenting tips to help children thrive in school

I had the pleasure of sitting down with Authority Magazine for an interview on The 5 Things Parents Can Do To Help Children Thrive In School. Here are parenting tips from that interview of how you can help your child succeed in school.

 

5 Parenting tips to help your child succeed in school

 

1. Teach your child how to cope with anxiety

 

Child anxiety can lead to a lot of barriers to succeeding in school. From school refusal to struggling in school with certain tasks, anxiety can take its toll on everyone in the family.

 

So it is important for parents to help their child learn how to manage any anxiety. Let your child know that fear and anxiety is a common struggle for kids and adults alike. But when anxiety begins to interfere with their life and daily functioning, solutions and supports need to be created.  And because anxiety is not something you can compeltely get rid of, it is important to help your child build skills and learn how to manage their anxiety.

 

So what can parents do?

 

I  am a big fan of giving anxiety a persona and treating it like a 3rd person. When you teach your child that anxiety is like a really concerned friend that is there to try to protect them, you can also teach them that they can choose to not listen to that friend. With practice your child can learn to tell their ‘anxious friend’ that things are not as bad as they seem or that they don’t need to worry, they can handle this challenge.

 

Parents can also teach their children how to do deep breathing as a way to calm their anxiety. Deep breathing stimulates the vagus nerve that runs along the spine and naturally calms down the body. When the body is calm, it is primed to learn, which will lead to performing better in school.

It’s importnat to note however that practicing deep breathing should be done when your child is calm. Because it can be a difficult skill to access in the moment until there has been lots of practice. It is also important to teach your child how to breath into their diaphram by putting their hands on their abdomin to ensure they are not accidentally accelerating their anxiety through chest breathing.

 

In both of the above examples, parents are not responsible for taking away their child’s anxiety. They help their child learn how to live through the uncomfortableness of anxiety. When a child can learn to tolerate their anxiety, they develop resiliency and confidence. Their brains can also learn better because their prefrontal cortex, where logic, working memory and organizational skills are, is able to be fully engaged when the body is no longer anxious.

 

2. Reduce stress through mindfulness

 

Mindfulness is a great way to relieve stress in the body. And while you may be skeptical or think it is trendy, the science behind mindfulness is robust.

 

Mindfulness helps keep you in the present moment. This helps teach children that emotions and challenges come and go. This is particularly helpful because children lack the ability to put things into perspective based on their limited life experience. By staying in the present moment the body is able to relax, which once again primes it for learning.

 

There are also several other benefits to teaching mindfulness to your child. Mindfulness helps you expand your ability to focus, pay attention and control your emotions. All of which are critical in order to function well at school. Because of all these benefits, mindfulness is a particularly good tool if your child has ADHD or other challenges with executive functioning.

 

One of my favorite mindfulness techniques for kids is to have them jump or run around for 20-30 seconds. Then have your child sit or lay down with their hand over their heart. Invite them to close their eyes and feel what their heart feels like. Have them notice how long it takes for their heart to calm down and what it feels like in their body once it does. Finally, have your child extend out their senses to notice how the rest of their body feels in that moment. The longer a child can hold on to noticing what they are feeling in their body the calmer they will become.

 

3. Set up routines and rituals

 

Whether your child is going to school, participating in distance learning or some kind of hybrid system, routines and rituals are important. Routines and rituals help children feel safe because they are things that they can predict. It also helps them succeed in school because they can better plan for what comes next.

 

When a child feels safe, they are better able to learn. When a child is feeling unsafe or uneasy, their stress response is activated and they get ready to fight, flight or freeze. When a child is in this mode, their executive functioning is no longer online. This makes learning difficult and behaviors more challenging.

 

Routines and rituals do not need to be big or complicated, but they should be consistent because once again the goal is to create predictability.

 

One of my favorite parenting tips is utilizing music with your routine. Have your children make up a playlist of songs they enjoy. Then use that playlist as a way to help complete tasks. Music can be played to help them get ready and out the door in the morning or complete their homework after school.

 

Music is very predictable. So for children that have trouble keeping track of time or staying on task it can be an easy way to help them get things done.

 

One last thing about creating routines. Be careful not to make your routines too rigid. There should always be room to have some flexibility if needed. And it is also important to schedule downtime into your child’s daily routine. Downtime is a chance for your child to relax and regroup. Something that is critical for us all, but especially for children. Downtime is particularly important for children who have neurodiversity or learning disabilities because most mask their differences during the school day.

 

Masking uses a lot of energy. This is in addition to the extra energy they are already spending to make up for their underdeveloped executive functioning. This can quickly lead to burnout. If you don’t schedule enough downtime, your child will usually let you know through meltdowns and tantrums.

 

4. Make good nutrition a priority

 

If you want to help your child succeed in school, nutrition is a good place to start. The stomach is connected to the brain and it’s functioning. So if you want to help your child perform better at school, make sure they are eating well.

 

Always try for a breakfast that is rich in protein to sustain energy throughout the morning. It is also a good goal to eat the rainbow as much as you can and to work in vegetables any way your child will let you. Try to eat less processed foods since those tend to create inflammation in the body. Inflammation in the gut often leads to inflammation in the brain, which can affect learning and behavior.

 

Good nutrition can be even more critical for children with neurodiversity and learning disabilities. Because these children are more sensitive to the link between gut health and brain function. Additionally, a good breakfast is especially important for children taking ADHD medicines that suppress their appetite. This often leads to children eating only a little lunch and ending their school day ravenous. This of course impacts their ability to focus and learn as well as making them more prone to behavior challenges.

 

5. Set goals and celebrate successes

 

Goals can get children excited about things while developing the skills of planning, organization, delayed gratification, and problem solving. In addition, goals can really help combat depression and create motivation if your child is struggling with either of these challenges.

 

Make your goals small so that your child is more likely to achieve them. This will build up their confidence. From there, you can work on building up their stamina for longer or more difficult goals. For children with neurodiversity and learning disabilities, make sure you are adding in some smaller goals on the way to their big goal so that they stay motivated. Having too big of a goal or one that is too far off may be too challenging. This is due to their struggles with time perception and planning, so adjust the goal to set them up for success.

 

And of course make sure you celebrate successes. School is tougher for some kids. If your child is struggling in school, you need to take the time to let them know that their efforts have not gone unnoticed. So celebrate when they achieve their goals, but also celebrate when they do something that was hard for them.

 

Bringing your child’s attention to the good in their lives will help them with their mental health. It can also help them recognize their own resiliency and problem solving. Two skills that are definitely needed for success.

 

Final thoughts on how to help your child succeed in school

 

When your child is struggling in school, it can make you feel helpless as a parent. Especially if your child is refusing to go to school. If you need additional support, reach out to me to schedule a free 30 minute consultation. I have extensive experience helping parents with school refusal and other struggles in school. Together we can talk about how to get you and your child back on the path to success.

 

Boosting Teen Mental Health: 3 Parenting Power Moves

Boosting Teen Mental Health: 3 Parenting Power Moves

Boosting Teen Mental Health:

3 Parenting Power Moves

Parents can help their teenagers mental health thru modeling self care and talking about feelings.

 

Let’s talk teen mental health. Teenage brains are wired to seek new experiences, master skills, and create relationships. Developmentally, this is what is needed for teenagers to grow into independence and adulthood. But when teens struggle with anxiety, depression or other mental health struggles, it can negatively impact their ability to seek out these needed experiences.

Your pre-teen or teen may be experiencing these mental health struggles for the first time. Or your child may have been struggling with their mental wellness for a while, but now it is becoming a more severe or frequent occurrence. So let’s dive into how you can boost your teen’s mental health.

 

How do you know when to worry as a parent?

 

When your teenager’s daily life is affected by their mental health strugges, such as anxiety or depression, its time to start paying attention. Everyone experiences big ups and downs sometimes. And it is normal for your teen to pull back from life for a short period of time while they process their feelings or regroup.

But when your teen is withdrawing for more than a couple of days it is a red flag. It is also a red flag if they are no longer able to function in their daily life the way they used to. An example is when your teen refuses to go to school or begins to miss more and more school. These red flags let you know it is time to intervene with help to improve your teen’s mental health.

 

What does ‘no longer being able to function’ look like?

 

Think of functioning as the everyday things you do to navigate life. Like sleeping, eating, taking care of your body, attending school, maintaining relationships, finding enjoyment in activities, etc. If your teenager has stopped doing these things it’s time to check in with them to see what’s up.

 

Let’s talk about sleep

 

Sleep affects a teenager’s ability to learn, make good decisions and develop emotionally. Too little sleep will negatively impact your teen’s mental health and functioning. When a teen is struggling with their mental health, sleep is one of the first places to look.

Having said that, it is normal for teenagers to change their sleep habits during the pre-teen and teen years.

Most will turn into night owls, due to changes affecting their circadian rhythm. These changes are due to development, which produce a slower building sleep drive. These changes also cause their bodies to delay making melatonin (the body’s natural sleeping aid).

So naturally, teenagers stay up later and want to sleep in later.

It is also normal for teenagers to catch up on their sleep during the weekend. This is usually due to them sleeping too little during the week and their body trying to capture the lost hours.

If your teen is struggling with their mental health, help them keep track of how much sleep they are getting. If your teen is not getting 8-10 hours of sleep per night, work with them to make their sleep health a priority.

If your teenager is sleeping too much, where they are missing out on life, it is usually a sign they are out of balance. Helping your teenager re-engage in life and finding professional help can help.

 

More red flags

 

  • Your teenager has a theme of anxious or depressive thoughts in all they do.
  • Your teenager has increased their negative self-talk (i.e. this is never going to end, what’s the point, I hate myself).
  • Your teenager indicates they are powerless in how they feel or in creating change for how they feel.

If your child mentions self-harm or taking their life, always treat it seriously. Try talking with them to let them know you are there for connection and help. If they don’t want to talk with you, see my Teen Resources for numbers and resources so they can talk with someone else.

 

What can you do as a parent to help your teen’s mental health?

 

Let’s face it, sometimes it is hard to get your teenager to address their mental wellness. Sometimes it is hard to find help because waitlists are long and the ‘right fit’ can take a long time to find. But there are ways you can help at home.

 

1. Practice your own self-care.

 

Your teens are watching everything you do, even if they pretend to ignore you. If you model getting up, showered and dressed everyday it does plant seeds in your teenager’s mind.

Invite your teenager to join you in your self-care. Ask them to go for a walk with you, take deep breaths with you or do mindfulness with you.

Your teen may deny your request depending on how stuck they are, but don’t give up. Keep asking them and if you can, do your self-care around them so they can always join in.

Gratitude is an easy way to invite your teen to start practicing self-care. At a meal ask everyone to say what they are grateful for. Even if they say they are grateful for going back to their room after dinner, it is a start.

Consistency is key so keep trying even if it does not seem to be working. At the very least you will feel better, which will help you when interacting with your teenager.

 

2. Teach your teen self-compassion

 

This may be a hard one for your teenager at first, but again modeling it can have a huge impact. Ask them to talk to themselves as though they were their best friend.

Take it in little steps. In the beginning, act as their regulator. When you hear them say something harsh to themselves, go over and give them a hug if they will let you. Then say ‘I’m sorry that was so harsh, that must have been hard to hear’. Even if they don’t want the hug, say the words so they can hear your compassion.

Next, encourage them to refrain from saying the negative talk to themselves. Ask them if they would say that to their friend and remind them to treat themselves the same.

And finally, teach them to practice compassion with themselves. Teach them to say, ‘this is hard, it’s okay to feel bad because it is so hard, everyone has hard times from time to time’.

Kristin Neff, a leader in self-compassion research, has many short compassion exercises on her website. Share them with your teenager so they can do them when they want. Or better yet, do them together!

 

3. Validate your Teen’s Feelings

 

Anxiety and depression can feel very isolating, like no one else understands or feels like we do. But a parent has the power to break through these feelings by listening and reflecting.

Give your teenager lots of chances to talk. Teenagers don’t always want a face to face talk, so a car ride, walk or dark room can provide the safe space for them to open up.

Next, let them say anything. This means they should be doing 90% of the talking. Your job is to sit there and listen. Every once in a while repeat back what you heard. For example, ‘it feels like this is never going to end’ or ‘it feels like there is no point in getting up’.

Don’t judge what they say, try to make things better, or problem solve.

Just listen and repeat.

If you feel like you are getting upset listening to them, ask them to take a break. Model what to do when you start to get upset. Say you want to hear more, but you are feeling upset and you don’t want to say the wrong thing. Then say you need to take a break and you will come back to finish the talk in a few minutes.

Make sure you let your teenager know you are coming back and commit to it by scheduling a time. This will keep you accountable and will build their trust in you.

If you can, invite them to take a walk with you or do a short activity with you during the break. That way you are keeping the connection and modeling how to cope. As an added bonus, you are getting both of you to focus on something other than their anxiety or depression.

 

Final thoughts on teen mental health

 

Navigating the teenage years can be difficult even without added mental health challenges. But your teenager does not need to suffer, and you can help. Sometimes these strategies are enough and sometimes your child will need more help. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help for your child or yourself so each of you have support while you work your way back to mental wellness and balance.

If you need parenting support, you may reach out and schedule a free 30 minute consultation and we can discuss additional strategies and other sources for support.

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How to Heal Child Trauma: A Parent’s Guide to Nurturing Resilience

How to Heal Child Trauma: A Parent’s Guide to Nurturing Resilience

How to Heal Child Trauma

A Parent’s Guide to Nurturing Resilience

help child heal trauma through parent coaching

Experiences in Resilience Are Key To Helping Your Child Heal From Trauma

 

My youngest had a skiing accident in January of 2023 that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. Recovery was slow, but in January 2024 we practiced our final step of healing. Not from the bodily injury which luckily they have recovered from, but from the emotional one. The traumatic one. We returned to where the accident happened and we tried skiing again.

There were times when my child felt scared, but we talked and hugged and I encouraged them to move past their fear to experience what they were capable of because I knew they were ready for this. And then we went slow and we skied together.

 

In short we had a lesson in resilience

 

And 3 hours later I couldn’t pull my child off the hill because they were having so much fun. And they were no longer skiing close to me, they wanted to do it on their own. They had experienced so much confidence building.

But the best part as a parent was that my child experienced resilience. The idea that sometimes in life, bad things happen. But it does not mean it stays like that forever. A child can overcome their fears and teach their body a new experience that helps to override the old. In short, a child can help themselves heal trauma.

Childhood trauma can occur in many different ways

 

Physical trauma to the body is just one of the many ways children can experience childhood trauma. But a lot of the time, the trauma that occurs in childhood is not visible by a physical accident. A lot of child trauma is the result of mental or emotional trauma. And you may not always know your child has gone through trauma until you start to notice new behaviors as part of their trauma response.

Because the truth is, trauma is not always a really big event. It can be a lot of little events that add up over time. Or it may be one event, but where you did not realize it was a significant event to your child because it did not impact you the same way. In fact, trauma can result from any stressful event. Sometimes it is from a bunch of little criticisms or dismissals. Other times the event is big or prolonged. But the key to something creating trauma in your child is that the event, big or small, short or long, was something that created significant stress in the child where things felt overwhelming and unpredictable. It is that feeling of extreme stress and unpredictability that creates child trauma. But the good news is you can help heal child trauma through resilience.

 

When you want to help heal child trauma through resilience, do the following:

1. Make sure you acknowledge and validate their feelings

Your child’s body is trying to keep them safe based on their past experience so it can produce some big and overwhelming feelings. Don’t gloss over those feelings, help your child to recognize them and where they may be coming from. And help them to co-regulate so those feelings don’t feel so overwhelming.

2. Help your child by letting them borrow your confidence

Your child will have doubts about trying something they feel is too hard or too scary. This is natural. Their body is trying to protect them from more trauma. Your job is to let them know you have confidence in them and that you believe they are ready so they can begin to believe it as well.

3. Go slow

It’s not about conquering it all. It is about helping your child stretch their tolerance while making them successful. Let them help guide the pace. Sometimes that means it is a small step in the direction of healing. And that is just fine. Keep having them take those small steps and they will get there.

The truth is my goal was to get my child back out to the same hill and onto skis. I was planning to spend the entire time on the bunny hill with them. And I was prepared to take a lot of breaks in the chalet.

And that slow approach with low expectations gave my child the chance to set their pace. It was my child that wanted to slowly do more and begin doing the bigger runs. Which is why it was so impactful because my child was leading their own trauma healing.

Final Thoughts On Healing Child Trauma

 

While trauma itself is never fully erased from the body, your goal is to create an experience to overshadow it. Something to remember if past trauma sparks an emotional response. Because that will happen from time to time with trauma. But the more experiences in resilience you can support, the more your child will be able to better manage their trauma response.

Finally, helping a child who has experienced trauma can be overwhelming sometimes. Some kids have very physical and aggressive behaviors because of the child trauma they have experienced. If you have a child with trauma that you are struggling to parent, reach out for help. I offer free consultations and all of my parenting techniques are trauma-informed to help aid healing in both you and your child.

3 Ways to Help Your Child With Anxiety

3 Ways to Help Your Child With Anxiety

3 Ways to Help Your Child With Anxiety

A parent or caregiver can help an anxious child learn coping techniques for better anxiety management

 

All parents have experience dealing with an anxious child from time to time. But for children and teenagers that struggle with regular anxiety,  it can take on its own life and impact everyone in the family. So how can you as a parent help your child with anxiety?

 

3 Parenting tools to help your child with anxiety

1. Help your child feel safe

 

Anxiety shows up as a lot of different behaviors. From asking ‘what if‘ over and over, catastrophizing, refusals and avoidance or controling behavior and really rigid thinking, they can be difficult to handle.

But regardless of how your child’s anxiety appears, it stems from them not feeling safe. And related to this, the idea that they will not be okay. So if you want your child or teen to let go of their refusals, rigidity and control they must first feel safe in their environment.

So how do you do this?

Use baby steps to show your child success and address their fears.

 

Maybe your child throws a tantrum at the mere thought of going to school. No matter the object that causes anxiety the key is to start with something small. In this example, the first small step is simply driving past the school (make sure you tell your child this is what you are going to do ahead of time).

Once your child can drive past the school without resistance, add on driving into the parking lot area. Next have your child get out of the car and stand there for 5 counts. Slowly extend the amount of time they are standing outside of the car until it is about 20 seconds. Then you have your child walk to the steps of the school. And later to the door. And finally through the doors.

It takes time, practicing each step several times until your child can do the task without becoming overwhelmed. Don’t rush your child onto the next step too soon or they will pull back and you may have to begin again from an earlier step. But depending on your child’s anxiety level, they may go faster or slower with the steps. The key is to follow their lead when it comes to the pace.

And resist the urge to add on one more thing when they are successsful. Because moving the finish line on your child can make them resist trying again. So stick to doing what you say you are going to do. And when your child is able to do it, let them feel the success. Because that is what adds to their feeling of safety.

Along the way make sure you provide encouragement, letting them borrow your confidence. Also, talk to them about their progress as they continue to build up their stamina. It’s all about showing them what they can do and that they will be okay. The important thing is to keep them focused on trying, even if it is uncomfortable and slow.

You can also use positive language toward your child while acknowledging their anxiety. Say things like ‘I get it. This is really scary for you. And I believe you can handle this’. If you show your child you believe in them, they will start to believe in themselves.

 

2. Pull back on accommodations and practice coping instead

 

Almost every single parent who has a child that struggles with anxiety knows their child’s triggers. You know what situation is likely to make your child spin into a tantrum and so you make changes and accommodations to avoid these explosions. And you are quite loving to do it, but you may actually be making it harder for your child to learn how to cope effectively with their anxiety.

You might be wondering why accommodations are bad, after all they can save you from major tantrums. But what accommodations can do is make home or being with a parent feel like the only safe place. Which unintentionally increases a child’s anxiety.

So you can help your child or teen struggle less wiht anxiety and learn to cope better when you ditch the accommodations.

 

Does that mean you immediately throw out all accommodations?

Absolutely not! That would be a monumental meltdown no parent or child should have to experience.

 

But you should begin to think about how you can start scaling back your accommodations to make your child stretch their ability to handle their anxiety. This may be painful for all involved in the beginning, but if you can stick with it consistently for a few weeks it will have long term results.

To start, choose one very specific situation which causes your child to become filled with anxiety. A common one is needing to talk to someone they don’t know well (like a restaurant worker, sales person, librarian, etc.).

For example, if you would normally be the one to place your child’s order at a restaurant you give your child advanced warning you will no longer be doing this, that you believe they are capable of this task and even offer to have a few practice conversations with them, where you pretend to be the wait staff. Then take them to a restaurant and remind them it is their responsibility to order for themselves, if they choose not to order then they simply will have to wait to eat until they get home.

Will your child possibly go hungry for an hour? Yes, possibly. Will your child have a meltdown in public and make you uncomfortable and embarrassed? Yes, possibly. But keep your eye on the prize. You are stretching your child so they can succeed and function in life independent of you.

Reassure your child you believe they can do this. Tell them they will be okay even if they are scared and uncomfortable. And while you are at it, tell that to yourself.

 

3. Reframe your child’s anxiety

 

Anxiety is often viewed as a bad thing, something to be avoided or something you need to get rid of. But in reality, anxiety itself is not bad. It stems from a part of the brain that is trying to keep you safe, which is a good thing if you are actually in a situation where you could be in danger.

This means “getting rid” of anxiety is not likely, especially in a child or teen that tends to have a lot of anxiety. So instead you must reframe how your child views their anxiety. Because that is the first step to learning how to manage anxiety.

To do this, start by talking to your child about worry’s “job”. When talking to kids, it can be helpful to give worry a persona, turn it into a character (yes, this even works for teens). Have your child picture their anxiety in their head or even draw it out on paper. Explain how worry’s job is to keep them safe and to help point out when things don’t seem safe.

Next, explain to your child that sometimes worry gets overexcited and starts pointing to everything and saying it is a danger, but that your child has the power to help keep worry from getting too carried away.

Then have your child practice how to talk to their worry. Have them tell worry ‘it’s not that bad, I can handle this’ or ‘I know you are scared, but I know I can do this’ or even ‘I know you are trying to help, but I am going to be fine’.

Two things are at work here when your child gives their anxiety a persona.

One is your child or teen is learning how to recognize their worry is sometimes not accurate and how to try to reset themselves.

The second is that research shows ‘I statements’ and positive affirmations can have a significant effect on attitudes, actions and behaviors.

 

Final thoughts on how to help your child with anxiety

 

Your child’s anxiety can feel overwhelming to both you and your child. And while you may not be able to get rid of your child’s anxiety, you can take significant steps to lessen the impact of anxiety in their lives. And that should be your ultimate goal; to help your child learn how to manage their anxiety.

Now it’s time for action! Pick one of the above tools and commit to using it with your child consistently for the next 4 weeks and see the impact it can have on your child’s anxiety.

If you run into roadblocks or need further help implementing these strategies, reach out for a  free 30 minute consultation and I will tweak things to get you and your child back on track.

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Email: connect@HappyParentingAndFamilies.com
Address: 2700 Louisiana Ave, #26614, Minneapolis, MN 55426

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